As we come to a close on July, I sit here looking out my window at the rain thinking of many things. I have taken this month to do a lot of self reflection, and prepare for many changes in my life. I have been killing David I am sure, with up's and down's the past few weeks. But I finally told myself " You're Done!!" I don't want to say I am giving up, I was raised to never give up. I would like to think of it as altering my path, and moving on to new chapters. Whether the old chapters receive closure or not, I can no longer regard. Making sure every end is tied up perfectly is my nature, and I am learning that it can be at an expensive cost. Promising too much of one's self is exhausting and stressful, however it's been a constant choice in my actions.

I began the month on a roll. Dallen was doing better on his tantrums. I was going to Work, Dance, various shows and activities. We had a fabulous time on the 4th going to Seven Peaks, having a BBQ, Volleyball and Fireworks. I performed in shows at the Freedom Festival, and Payson Scottish Festival too. It all seemed fine and dandy, but then I got thinking. My head was filled with absolute worry over:
*Family members
*Dallen creeping up on big boy number 3
*I was going completely insane at work with people, and situations that were flat out messed up.
*Dave and his school schedule! I never get to be with, or see for that matter my sweetheart! Seriously, we are lucky if we can steal away moments between Monday morning at 6:30 and Friday evening at 7.
I could go on for 20 minutes, about all these things I have been dealing with on a day to day basis driving me insane. I was sick to death of almost everything I did! All of these " things" kept getting bigger and bigger. Though I have felt unnerved for some time now, it just seemed for some reason so upsetting to me all at once. I felt as though my life was beating me, and I was losing what matters most to me.

After discussing, praying, planning and discussing some more...I QUIT my job! We are now to a point where my help financially is no longer a need, and Dave is close enough to graduation (12 weeks!) that he can support us fully. Although working in the beginning was a necessity, I now feel it's more of a burden and not the right thing for our family's current stage. It has been a long 2 years and 8 months working with a child, and I am so grateful I will now be able to stay at home and support Dallen fully.

Daycare has been hard on everyone in our family, but for me as a Mom, it was like sticking a thorn in your shoe and walking all day. Some days you can get it positioned just right, so it doesn't hurt so bad. Others you bleed every step of the way. Watching someone else mother your child, and do things differently is extremely hard. There were days I could barely keep it together. Looking back at all the illnesses and mornings ripping his arms from my body as he bawled and screamed for Mama, I wish things would have been differently. I wish that preparations would have been set from day 1
to have a Mom to be there for him when he doesn't feel well, or needs a friend when he is scared, I would go back in a second. But I can't, I can't go back and change the past two years. I can only move forward, and hope that he remembers the years we will share in the future.

It is interesting to me how things have played out for our family this year. If things had happened differently in any way, we probably wouldn't be to this point. There were times I would wonder if this time would ever come, and how to make it happen. But things happen for a reason in their own time I guess.

I am sorry to any readers if this post seems totally self centered, or pitiful in any way. I don't mean to be, I am simply walking through passages of my own feelings. Those of you who know my story deeper than the surface, know how extremely difficult and trying this choice to stay at home has been for me personally.

As I look out into the rainy skies tonight, I can't help but feeling to bring on the clean new change! I want to thank my loving husband David, who has been my support and my
strength every step of the way. I love you.


Post a Comment